


Avast!

by kathkin



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-06
Updated: 2013-07-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 22:10:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/872501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathkin/pseuds/kathkin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Crack. Arthur is a pirate. Merlin is a ninja. Who will win their epic fight to the death?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avast!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://mariana-oconnor.livejournal.com/139603.html?thread=289875#t289875) for [](http://mariana-oconnor.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://mariana-oconnor.livejournal.com/)**mariana_oconnor** 's Crack/Cliche Fest.

“Avast!” cried Arthur, brandishing his cutlass. The ninja did not answer – just peered at him quizzically from behind the scarf which covered his face. Arthur tried again. “Avast!”

“A vast _what_?” said the ninja.

“No, just… _avast_!” cried Arthur. “Now surrender before I wake the rest of my crew!”

“Oh, they won’t wake up,” said the ninja. “I drugged them all. Then I came to find you. I figured there’d be someone on watch.”

“Aha!” said Arthur. “Now you have revealed you fiendish plan, you scurvy ninja! And I can defeat you!” His headscarf slipped down over one of his eyes. He pushed it back up.

“Suuure,” laughed the ninja. “You just try!”

“Oh, come on!” said Arthur. “You’re clearly a shit ninja.”

“Oh, am I?” said the ninja. “Hey!” he shouted, pointing at someone over Arthur’s shoulder. “Look! A flying shark!”

“What?” said Arthur, looking around. “Where?” Silence. He looked back.

The ninja was gone – vanished!

“Where’d you go?” he said. “I demand to know where you’re hiding!” And then, as an afterthought: “Arrr!”

The ninja still didn’t answer. He did nothing for several minutes, while Arthur looked all around the deck. Then he reappeared.

From above. “Aiiie!” he shouted as he descended onto Arthur, who let out a distinctly un-pirate-y scream as he fell to the deck. “Aha!” said the ninja.

“Don’t think this means you’ve won!” said Arthur, struggling underneath him. “I’ll fight you to the death!”

“Then you shall die a most dishonourable death!” snapped the ninja, pinning Arthur’s wrists. And _straddling_ him. “Now. Yield!”

“I’ll see that you’re keelhauled for this!” said Arthur. “You lily-lived yellow-bellied… landlubber!”

“I’ll have you know that I’m very good with boats,” said the ninja. “We ninjas are trained at all aspects of… everything.” Arthur scoffed. “I mean it! I could beat you at anything.”

“Then how come we kill so many of you?” said Arthur.

“Luck!” snapped the ninja.

Silence fell.

“You can’t do anything without letting go of my hands,” said Arthur with a grin. “Ha!”

“Shut up!” shouted the ninja. “D’you want a shuriken in your crotch?”

“I don’t know,” said Arthur. “What’s a… one of those?”

“Throwing star,” said the ninja. Arthur looked blank. “Blades! Nasty sharp blades! It’d take your balls off.”

“Don’t you have a katana?” said Arthur. “I thought you all had those.”

“I…” said the ninja. “I choose not to carry one.”

“I bet they won’t let you have one,” said Arthur. “Will they?”

“Oh… shut up!” said the ninja. “And you don’t have an eye patch. Or a parrot. So you can’t talk!”

“Yeah – well – they don’t let you have those right away,” said Arthur.

“You’re a trainee pirate!” exclaimed the ninja. “Aren’t you?”

“Well… yeah,” said Arthur. “You could say that. But I bet you’re still training too!”

“Not after tonight!” said the ninja. “This is my final test!”

“Yeah, well, I think you’ve failed,” said Arthur. “Now let me up!”

“I _can’t_ ,” said the ninja. “I have to take out the whole ship. Or else I really _do_ fail.”

“On your _own_?” said Arthur.

“Not many people pass,” said the ninja. “But I shall!”

“You’re going to kill all my mates!” said Arthur. “Aren’t you?”

“Well, yes,” said the ninja. “Filthy smelly pirates!”

“Creepy… sneaky… ninjas!” snapped Arthur.

“I take pride in being sneaky,” said the ninja.

“Well… I take pride in being smelly!” said Arthur. He shifted his legs slightly. If he could just get his knee a little further to the left…

“You’re not actually that smelly, then,” said the ninja. “I’m smelled worse!”

“Ha!” said Arthur. “I wash regularly! There, you admitted that I don’t smell!”

“Shut up!” said the ninja.

“No, you shut up!” said Arthur. His knee was in position, and the ninjas hadn’t noticed.

“No, you – aiiie!” he yelled as Arthur brought his knee up sharply.

“Ha!” said Arthur as the ninja’s grip slackened. “ _Now_ you failed!” He leapt up and grabbed his fallen cutlass. “To the death, you scurvy dog!”

“Fine,” said the ninja, getting to his feet unsteadily.

*

Five minutes later, the ninja dumped a hog-tied Arthur into the rowing boat. “I’m sparing you because you’re pretty and you don’t smell too bad,” he said.

“Next time I see you, I shall kill you!” shouted Arthur as he was lowered towards the water.

“You don’t even know my name!” the ninja shouted back.

“My name’s Arthur,” said Arthur. “There, I said it. Now tell me yours. It’s only fair.”

The ninja looked carefully to each side before answering. “Merlin!” he said. “But don’t you dare tell anyone I spared you!”

“Don’t worry,” said Arthur. “I’ll just kill you.” The ninja cut through the ropes holding up the boat with Arthur’s cutlass. It hit the water with a _splash_. “Scurvy ninja!” he shouted as he drifted away.

“See you soon, Arthur!” the ninja called after him.


End file.
